In the summer of 2011 I was meditating and the thought came to me that much of my suffering is happening because of my karma. I realized that all of the self-centeredness and selfish motives I have acted upon have consequences in this life. This was such a revelation for me. It was like I was seeing this indisputable truth for the first time. Suffering came in the form of worry and fear that manifested daily. Fear that Im not going to get what I want or fear that Im going to lose whatever I think I own. Meditation over the years had helped me be more honest with myself about my motives that are not as altruistic as I previously believed. I had thought that karma was primarily what I was going to lose or gain as I travel into a new existence when the body finally expires. It never dawned on me that feelings of worry and fear were a price I was paying inhibiting me from having the ongoing peace I so desired. Instead I than realized I have created this worrisome mind with all my attachments to self. I was smitten with an urge to put pen to paper afraid that I was going to lose this new found revelation. This is what I wrote.
There is a debt I resist paying. Most of my life I spoke or acted without much concern for the impact I was having on others. I was usually to busy worrying about the outcome of my concerns. I have often lacked the courage in opportune moments to do the right thing when challenged by adversity and/or difficulties. I have tended to give up on doing the right thing and wallow in some self pity. Feeling sorry for myself seemed to come natural when I became afraid. The effect of giving up is developing a victim attitude which desensitized me into inaction of practicing virtues. A pattern that has followed me throughout my life. As I write today I feel a desire to commit myself to facing and not running from pain in relationship with others. Others have been a distant concern in my mind in comparison to my own needs. Understanding that it is my responsibility, to accept to the best of my ability the feelings that arise to improve on relations with others. Feeling sorry for myself has never paid any productive or skillful dividends. Pity becomes a cancer of the spirit that blocks empathy, compassion and genuine concern for life. It also renders me into inactivity of the spirit. This can be a form of depression. The wonderful spirit within my deep consciousness is patiently waiting for me to step up and take responsibility for all my past actions and amend them in a way laid out by the great spirits of the universe. The world is filled with human beings who have faced all their demons and have become free spirits.
These are the words that I wrote in that summer. Since than I have been rewarded with more patience and tolerance with myself and others. It has also helped me to increase my yoga and meditation practice. I am more aware of when it is appropiate to speak my thoughts and do so in a kind respectful way. Some of my best practice with this is those who I feel adverse reactions too. It has been a great practice to restrain myself from words or actions with others and wait to be invited in to their space. Please feel free to offer your experience and insights about your perceptions of karma and how you work to overcome bad karma and build good karma.